Me on both cellos, thanks to the miracle of modern technology (well, I recorded this well over a decade ago, so…“modern”). Unfortunately, modern technology is not sufficiently indistinguishable from magic to correct my intonation. Especially at the return of the melody—eesh.

While you're waiting, you can scroll down and read the short story by Thomas Disch at the bottom.

Heads are so funny, and there are a thousand laughs in store for you in the new, improved HEAD. Everyone enjoys a talking HEAD, from young to old. Taste, see, smell, and "pain" with a HEAD. Experience every emotion known to the HEAD. And if you already have a HEAD, remember what the HEADS say: "Two HEADS are better than one!"

Everyone enjoys a talking HEAD. Every minute is different from the next minute in incredible thought-chaos of a HEAD. And every single HEAD is different!

HEADS are so funny. Listen to the limbless talking HEAD talk about "Freedom," "Death," "Beauty," and "God-Father." Make the HEAD fall in "Love" with you. Any HEAD can be made to "Love," if training manual instructions are carefully observed. Watch the worn-out HEAD die, talking, talking, talking till the moment it decays. Indeed, it is not an exaggeration to say HEADS are so funny.

Taste, see, smell, and "pain" with a HEAD. Every HEAD purchaser receives absolutely free a "Life-time" supply of "Food." Put "Food" in the HEAD's Mouth, then insert consensual Apparat into Left Collarbone. You will taste every molecule of the Mouth's "Food." Only those who have "eaten" with a Mouth can understand the incredible sensations of "Food."

Left Collarbone is likewise Input/Output source for Right Eye and Left Eye. See the strange little world of the Right Eye, looking at you! See through the Left Eye too! Then see through both the Right Eye and the Left Eye together. Every Exo-Export HEAD has two eyes. Don't accept less! Left Collarbone is likewise Input/Output source for Nose.

Now, with the new, improved HEAD you can experience the disconcerting primeval world of "Sex," as the center of the new HEAD's sex-tropic response is removed from obsolete and unsightly sacral area and redirected to the graceful Nose. Just one more reason why two HEADS are better than one! Left Collarbone is likewise Input/Output source for "pain"-sensitive Chin. Throughout the galaxies there are creatures, often the most insignificant, that can experience the famous "Negative Pleasure," and now with a HEAD you can too! The new, improved HEAD is thirty per cent more sensitive to "pain," thanks to refinements in the Chin.

Left Collarbone is likewise Input/Output source and control center for Adam's Apple. Nothing is easier than to take over your HEAD's talking-function. Amuse your friends by talking through your own HEAD! What could be funnier than to talk to another HEAD that thinks you are just a HEAD too?

Everyone enjoys a talking HEAD, from young to old. Even more fun than talking-function of the HEAD is thought-function. Insert conpassional Apparat into Right Collarbone, and experience every emotion known to the HEAD. You will feel the HEAD's amazing "Love." You will be paralyzed with the HEAD's consuming "Fear" of pain and of its own inescapable death. You will hate your own self–perhaps the most exciting sensation of all.

HEADS are educational. Everyone should have his own HEAD to grow up with. HEADS provide an easy and stimulating introduction to basic concepts of xeno-language and xeno-culture. Each HEAD is given a thorough grounding in the astonishing cultural traditions of its autochthonous planet. A third of a lifetime is devoted to the education of every ExoExport HEAD.

HEADS are perfectly safe for the young. The sharp, skeletal teeth are extracted from each HEAD's Mouth at the time of assembly and refitted with harmless, hydraulic pseudo-teeth.

Many designers consider HEADS to be an attractive addition to the decor of one's environment, especially in arrangements with contrasting xeno-flora and xeno-fauna. For the fashion-conscious HEADS are available now in a range of natural tincts from brown through pink. When treated with new, special-formula Fungi-X HEADS can also be cultivated in more agreeable colors, though fungifying processes will abbreviate markedly the lifetime of the HEADS so treated.

Everyone should have his own HEAD, and now everyone can! Thanks to the diminished Chest volume of the new, improved HEAD, the result of recent advances in biominiaturization, HEADS are cheaper than ever before. They eat less and take up less space too! So why don't you buy your new HEAD today?

Any HEAD you buy from Exo-Export is guaranteed to be the native handicraft of its autochthonous planet, where bioengineering has long been practiced by the wild-four-limbed progenitors and manufacturers of the HEADS.

There are a thousand laughs in store for you in the new, improved HEAD. Why don't you buy your new HEAD today? Why don't you buy your new HEAD today? Why don't you buy your new HEAD today?

Only 49.95 from Exo-Export Monopolies.

- by Thomas Disch